I-am-excited that it's Depression Awareness Month! My excitement comes from that place on the other side, the place where you are able to look back and thankfully say, "Wow, I did make it through." Many people told me that I would, but I saw them as spectators just cheering me on who didn't really understand what I was battling because they hadn't personally dealt with a depressive disorder.
I promise you that there were hundreds of times I thought depression would overtake me; it would become who I am. Can you imagine how emotionally daunting that was? I wanted to be happy, energetic, and optimistic, but I felt as if I couldn't. I didn't like the way I felt and wanted to change it. However, it seemed impossible. It didn't help that I noticed something was "wrong" with me and couldn't change it. I felt confused and asked, "If I know that I'm not happy and I want to be happy then why is it so hard for me to be happy?"
It has taken three anti-depressants, four Therapists, one Psychologist, one breakdown, two trips to the Behavioral Health Unit, countless prayers from others and pitiful lamenting from me, (lol), along with family and friends trying helping however they could. Even through all of that, one of the things that really did it for me was being forced into having to get better; I experienced a loss that came with the threat of also losing my children and, "Ain't nobody got time for that!"
Another reason I got better is because I realized that I had to actually desire it, not just want it, D-E-S-I-R-E it. Want and desire are used interchangeably quite often, but for me they really are two different things. When I want something, I only think about it and may even utter a few words concerning the want; it "forever" remains a want-thought. Now when I have a desire, it's more like an urge that grips & pushes me. I begin to feel insatiable. Therefore, that desire becomes tangible because I ACT on it. Once upon a time I only wanted to not be depressed, but then came the time I DESIRED to not be depressed, did something about it and now I'm no longer on anti-depressants!
So to "you," I've literally been there and done that, heck, I even have a souvenir, so don't give up because it can happen...